By Dr. Harold Pease
I do not usually write satire but here is a scary proposition that could come true as witnessed by other extreme laws recently passed. The country is now 13½ trillion dollars in debt and it is incorrectly believed, by the less informed—mostly socialists—that the only way to solve this problem is to increase taxes.
Congress recently discovered how unfair Christmas really is as some get more presents than others. To correct this injustice a 1,500 page law called the Christmas Equalization Act is working it’s way through judiciary committees in both the House and Senate and will be on the floor of both houses very soon. Members are not likely to read it, as on other long-winded laws, but they are likely to pass a conceptual document instead from which lawyers spin the actual words—now an all too common practice.
Under the new law, to begin next year, shoppers buying for loved-ones are required to identify receivers at check out for each gift and it’s amount. Retail stores are to then fill out form13,208, The Affidavit of Christmas Gifts, passing that information to the IRS for national list tabulation.
The total allotment per Christmas per person is 20 gifts. Totals exceeding this number in intervals of 10 will be assessed a gradual value added tax up to 70% of the value of the gifts in excess. This amount will be given to those suffering from Christmas Depravation Syndrome, recently discovered by psychologists to inhibit the development of ambition and drive. Overall value is also taxed if exceeding a total of $200 beginning at 25% and at $50.00 increments ending at 100% for any total exceeding $400.00 dollars. This information is submitted on The Affidavit of Excess Christmas Value (Form 13,209). If you have problems following these formulas so do the lawyers who made them up but it does help ensure full employment for them for decades to come sorting it out.
Those applying for benefits could do so in the same place and same way they get food stamps or any other benefits. One idea receiving strong support is to turn it over instead to ACORN or some other reputable organization already in existence.
The more likely option, however, is to create a whole new department, as the necessary monitoring would require at least 15,000 new federal agents to oversee. It certainly would create much needed employment, which would stimulate the economy. Recipients, however, would have to fill out another simple10 page form called the Underprivileged Christmas Affidavit (Form 13,210) which also allows participants to identify favorite gifts. Recipients would not be limited to 20 gifts as it is certain that they have been “gift deprived” for some time, nor would they have a total value limit placed upon them for the same reason.
The excess taxes are thought to be sufficient for funding the under-gifted, but critics are skeptical about it’s ability to fund the 15,000 federal agents as well. Some say that gift givers will lower the number to the 20 gifts thus avoiding the excess tax altogether, leaving the taxpayer to fund both the “under gifted” and the agents thus, increasing the national debt. Proponents say that such is just uncompassionate right-wing extremist talk.
Other legislation on the table is to tax excessive tree length, Christmas decorations, and turkey size. There are so many injustices to alleviate. Some few have even suggested making the holiday illegal. Lawmakers hope to expand the legislation to Hanukkah next year for the same reasons.
Merry Christmas, my liberty loving friends.
Dr. Harold Pease is an expert on the United States Constitution. He has dedicated his career to studying the writings of the Founding Fathers and applying that knowledge to current events. He has taught history and political science from this perspective for over 25 years at Taft College.