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By Harold Pease, Ph. D

The country is now almost 20 trillion dollars in debt.  Many erroneously believe that the only way to solve this problem is to increase taxes rather than to cut spending. Judging by extreme laws passed and proposed in recent years, including the 15% Christmas Tree Tax unsuccessfully advocated by President Obama in 2011, a tax on Christmas could come true.  Let’s follow the Ghost of Christmas Future and see what such a bill might look like:

Congress recently discovered how unfair Christmas really is, as some get more presents than others.  To correct this injustice, a 1,500-page law called the Christmas Equalization Tax is working its way through judiciary committees in both the House and Senate and will be on the floor of both houses very soon.

Under the new law, to begin next year, shoppers buying gifts for loved ones are required to fill out Form 13,207, The Affidavit of Gift Recipients, indicating said recipients by name, social security number, and birth date, and completing a five-page information sheet for each named recipient.  Retailers then fill out Form 13,208, The Affidavit of Christmas Gifts, and forward the information to the IRS for national list tabulation.

The total allotment per Christmas per person is 20 gifts.  Totals exceeding this number in intervals of 10 will be assessed a gradual value added tax up to 70% of the value of the gifts in excess.  Overall value is also taxed up to 100% for any total exceeding $400.  This information is submitted on The Affidavit of Excess Christmas Value (Form 13,209).  If you have problems following the formulas, so do the lawyers who made them up.  However it does help create many jobs for those in that industry, and ensure employment for them for decades to come in their efforts to help us keep the rules straight or in resulting litigation.

The amount collected will be given to the New Organization to Fight Underprivileged Nations (NOFUN). This organization supports those suffering from Christmas Depravation Syndrome, a debilitating mental disorder recently discovered by psychologists to inhibit the development of ambition and drive, drastically reducing self-esteem, self-actualization, and quality of life.

Recipients must fill out a simple 10-page form entitled The Underprivileged Christmas Affidavit (Form 13,210), which allows participants to identify favorite gifts. Unlike the shoppers, benefit recipients would not be limited to 20 gifts.  No doubt they have been “gift deprived” long enough and compensation must be made.  This is the only way to guarantee fairness and equality for all people across the entire lifespan.

Currently, those applying for benefits from NOFUN do so by contacting their local Human Services Agency.  Lawmakers are uncertain whether the program will remain with HSA or be turned over to ACORN, or some other reputable organization already in existence.  The more likely option is to create a whole new department to oversee the program.  The necessary “monitoring,” which certainly would create much needed employment to help stimulate the economy, would require at least 15,000 new federal employees.

The excess tax is thought to be sufficient for funding the under-gifted, but critics are skeptical about its ability to fund the 15,000 federal agents as well.  Some say that unsympathetic shoppers will lower the number of gifts they buy to 20 per person, thus avoiding the excess tax altogether, and leaving the taxpayer to fund the $37 billion for both the “under-gifted” and the federal employees.

Proponents say this “disinformation” comes from incompassionate right-wing extremists, who are simply in the pockets of evil money-mongering capitalists who oppose the individual gift limits.  Proponents assure that the cost will be covered by the seventh stimulus package, the 3,500 paged bill now on the desk of your Congressmen and women.

Additional legislation on the table is to tax excessive tree height, Christmas decorations, and turkey or ham size.  Levels of happiness could also be taxed as soon as technology is able to measure it.  We might also tax travel distance as it is so unfair that some get to travel greater distances than others, or travel mode, some have money to fly others have to drive or ride a bus to get to see their loved ones.

Lawmakers hope to expand the legislation on Christmas to Hanukkah next year for the same reasons.  Atheists have suggested making both holidays illegal altogether, imposing stiff fines on violators instead as it could raise even more money for the disadvantaged, more especially as religion, in their view, is the opiate of the people and is a very expensive myth.

So many injustices to alleviate, so little time.

Merry Christmas my liberty loving friends.